~Yeah i know! Is quite a lot to go through. But darn it! You people need to loosen up instead of bashing us poor webmasters who just want to show you a good time!....*sniffles*....~
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him...
Four Catholic ladies were drinking tea when one woman put down her cup, and speaking to the group, said, "You know, my son is a priest, and whenever he walks into a room, all the women stand up and say 'Good morning, Father.'" The next woman put down her cup and said, "You know, my son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, all the women stand up and say, 'Good morning, Your Grace.'" The third woman put down her cup, and said, "Well, you know, my son is a cardinal, and whenever he walks into a room, all the women rise and say, "Good morning, Your Eminence.'" Then all three ladies looked smugly at the fourth woman, who, after a moment's thought, put down her cup of tea and said, "Well, my son owns three McDonald's franchises, and so he is a multi-millionaire. He has broad shoulders, thick wavy brown hair, dark eyes, he's straight and he's single with buns of steel, and whenever HE walks into a room, all the women stand up and say "Oh my God!"
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
A man was walking across the road when he met the accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When open his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying."
She squeezed his hands as he continued :"When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more advertisements for me to apply."
He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."
Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company until now...And you were there beside me."
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband. "And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me.... "....There's something I'll really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, and sobbing with emotion.
He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.."
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?" She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?" God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
And so God created man.....
A mother was teaching her 3-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night, she said she was ready to solo. Her mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Once upon a time there was woman, we'll call her Hiliary. Hilary died and found herself in a tunnel of light. As she approached, she realized that she was on the way to the pearly gates. When she got to the gates, she saw an elderly gentleman seated at the desk just outside the gates. Realizing that it was St. Peter, Hiliary walked up and requested admittance. St Peter looked up, smiled and said, 'why, yes, of course... all you have to do is pass a simple test'.. Hiliary considered this for a moment and agreed. St Peter then asked her to spell the work 'rose'.. which she did without any problem.. Suddenly St Peter looked at his watch and realized he was late for a meeting with the boss.. He looked to Hiliary and asked if she would mind watching the gate for a few moments.. and if anyone came.. give them the test she had been given.. if they passed, let them in.. if not, have them wait for a moment or two and someone would come along to escort them to there new home in the underworld.. Hilary gladly said yes, she loved human service, and quickly walked around to the other side of the desk and St Peter sped away. A few moments later, Hilary looked up and was startled to see her husband, who had also recently died, walking up the path. We'll call him Bill.. Bill looked and saw Hiliary and smiled, 'what are you doing here' he questioned. Hilary explained about St Peter's meeting with the boss and how he had delegated her to taking over for a little while. She then explained that Bill would have to take a test in order to gain admittance. Bill quickly agreed and Hiliary asked him to spell "chrysanthemum".
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major
~Editor's note: i'm sure most of you have heard these by now...but what about these others that i found??...though they are funnyer if you're a musicion~
What do you say before you drop the piano on an army base?
Be flat major!
What do you say after you drop the piano on the army base?
See flat major
What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
C sharp or B flat
What do you get when the army officer puts his/her nose to the
A sharp major
What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only
subject you do well in is music?
A natural major
Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son: What's up, Dad?
Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
Son: No. No, that is not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car ... the mailbox did...I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?
Son: From the President of the United States.
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast,to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, ''and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass''.
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. ''Gaining a little weight are we Sister Susan?'' he asked. ''Oh no, Father. Just a little gas,'' Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly. A month later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. ''Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?'' he asked again. ''Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.'' She replied again. A couple of months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, ''Cute little fart.''
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experince. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is battered against the ground again and again. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ....................... the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson). Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When her daughter finally revived her, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it surely is hot down here."
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team..."Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."
~Clean Jokes 1~ Clean Jokes 2~ Clean Jokes 4~ Clean Jokes 5~ Clean Jokes 6~
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