After Nebraska football coach Tom Osborne dies and enters the Pearly Gates,God takes him on a tour. He shows Tom a little 2 bedroom house with a faded Nebraska banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. Tom looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. Arkansas Razorback flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge red and white Razorback banner hanging between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded banner and Houston Nutt gets a mansion with new Uof A banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment.
"That's not Nutt's house," God says. That's mine."
A dumb blonde had to be rescued by the fire department after she became stranded in the shower. She had been in there for hours following the instructions on the shampoo bottle, "Lather, rinse and repeat".
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." And reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair- try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth- try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the lady returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The lady replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
A blond called the fire department. She screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick! My house is on fire." The fire chief replied, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"
The blond said, "Duh, Red Truck!"
Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging ropesuspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunettr. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jugsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to start it.
Her friend asks,"What is it a puzzle of"?
The blonde says,"From the picture on the box, it's a picture of a tiger".
The blonde's friend is pretty good at puzzles so he heads over to her place. She lets him in and shows him to the table where she has laid out all the pieces. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He turns to the blonde and says,"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some." Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed. Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?". "Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
A guy is driving through the countryside and suddenly develops car trouble.
The highway is rather deserted, and having no other choice, he pulls his car over. Fortunately, he spies a farmhouse a little ways up and walks there in hope of using a phone to call for help.
At the house, a farmer answers the door, and hearing the man's plight, welcomes him in to use the phone.
While the man is on the phone calling a towing service, he notices something odd in the farmer's backyard: a pig with a wooden leg. Waiting for the tow truck, the two strike up a conversation.
The man can't help his curiosity and asks the farmer, "Was that a pig with a wooden leg I saw in your yard?"
"Sure was," the farmer replies. The man says, "I have to know, why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"Well, that's a very special pig," the farmer says. "One day, I tripped and sprained my ankle near the highway. That pig pulled me from harm's way and went to the house, got my wife, and let her know I was in trouble."
"Wow," the man said. "I don't know of many dogs that could do that. That is a special pig. But, please tell me, why does the pig have a wooden leg?!"
"Well, as I was saying," the farmer replied, "that's a very special pig. One day me and the Mrs. were asleep in bed when the house caught on fire. That pig ran upstairs, jumped on the bed, woke the both of us up, and sure as I'm talking to you today, saved our lives."
"I understand that pig is very special," the man says, getting a little frustrated, "But, please tell me. Why does the pig have a wooden leg!?"
"Well," the farmer replies, "a pig as special as that, you wouldn't want to eat him all at once now, would you?"
You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51". Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realised that he desparately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it". Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"
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