Ok ya'll....don't blame me for these!.....*G*....just accept them and move on....*L*...
There was once the kingdom of Trid near a very large hill that had a giant living on top of it. The giant would always kick anyone down that would dare to venture to the top of it. Since this was the quickest way to the next village, this had a very bad effect on trade. So one day, the king decided to send some of his soulders up to the top to try and reason with the giant. He picked 10 of his bravest soulders, and sent them to the top. Soon they were all kicked down, and all but one died. The survivor came back and told the king what happened. The king was rather ticked off, so he sent 30 of his bravest soulders and a priest up to the top. Again they all got kicked off, and only one survived. So the king picked 50 of his best men, and sent along a visiting rabbi from a neighboring kingdom. So they get to the top, and the giant kicks them all down except for the rabbi. The rabbi asks, "Why did you kick them all down, but not me?" The giant answers,
The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some paint thinner to it. When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap. Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words,
What do you get if you drop a piano on an Army base?
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
~The best Star Wars joke ever!!!~
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker face each other. With light sabers drawn about to commence an allmighty battle of good over evil. Suddenly, in the middle of fight Vader pulls Skywalker to him and whispers: "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS, LUKE. IT'S TRUE, LUKE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!" Skywalker tried to ignore this but couldn't in the end. He wrenched himself free and yells "How can you know this!?!" Vader replied "I FELT YOUR PRESENTS..."
A long time ago, in the city of Munich, the inhabitants were having a big problem. There was a massive increase in the number of dogs residing in the city. Not only were thousands of dogs, but they were BIG dogs.... real hounds to be exact. Anyway, the people of Munich bunched together and decided they wouod solve the problem by driving all the dogs out of the city and into the hills. So one day, they all grouped together and forced all the hounds out of the city and into the hills, thereby solving their problem.
However, this action proved disastrous for the neighbouring town of Lieden . Lieden was a leader in the manufacturing of paper and the big paper mills provided work for many. As the hounds in the hills began to get hungry, they descended upon the small town of Lieden and were soon running a riot! All the shops were broken into as the dogs searched for food. As Lieden was much smaller than Munich, they didn't have the manpower to force the hounds out of the town and all the inhabitants decided to go to Munich and complain. As they were leaving their homes, suddenly a tremendous noise came from up on the hill, where the paper-mill was located. As all the residents were in the process of evacuating, they were puzzled as to who was running the mills. Suddenly, an old man spoke up, claiming he knew the answer. He took a deep breath and said....
An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off his massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage. So he put advertisements in local and national papers, and waited.
He didn't have long to wait: a few days later he received a letter from a visiting American businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself. After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday.
That evening came and the businessman arrived, having managed to find the place chiefly by virtue of its being the only large building for several miles. He soon located the farmer in question, despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common.
"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"
"Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else? Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke."
"Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.
"Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American.
"Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."
Did you hear the one about the termite who entered a pub and asked,
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save alot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
On the distant planet of Anthrax, the dominant population was obsessed with dental hygiene. Partly owing, of course, to the fact that they had three complete receding sets of mandibles. (a-la Alien!) They were so concerned w/ maintaining their teeth that the custom was to floss one's choppers several times a day. To achieve this goal, they grew a "Floss Plant" from which the fibers were extracted to make the necessary product. Being a scientifically advanced species, especially in the area of genetics, they developed a sub-species of workers by using their own genetic print as a starting point, I.E., clones. These clones were specifically designed to harvest the plants & were deficient in other areas such as intelligence. As long as they were supervised, they did a good job but left untended, they would usually wander aimlessly off. No doubt, you are familiar with their well worn expression.....
What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad, when all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog. The second frog explained:
Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.
The townpeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food. When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as expected.
The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.
Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day. The custom grew and even today, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.
There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.
Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig.
Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.
There is an Indian tribe near here that has a problem: they can't sleep. It is a small tribe; only 500 members, but every one has insomnia. They are called the Indian-napless 500.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside." The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was almost dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water which Silver drank. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Yes, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and says "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know ... you left your Injun running."
The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00 P. M. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6:00 P. M. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!
So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6:00 P. M. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6:00 P. M.," he said, "Cost is no object."
A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 P. M. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6:00 P. M. by the color change, and could consistently get to the 6:00 P. M. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.
It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips.
"It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.
Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the naval and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.
A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6:00 P.M., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.
Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... 'Alexander's Rag Timeband!'
A top movie producer was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers with several top stars. Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme were present. The producers really desired the box office 'Oomph' of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him." The producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. But, who do you want to be, Arnold?". Arnold says -
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. All of a sudden, his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother; a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was. His brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But, the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed. Since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The barman said, "Hey pardner, your hat's made of brown wrapping paper." "Yep," said the cowboy, "and so's my shirt, my vest, my chaps, my pants, and even my boots and spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on my horse is made of brown paper. Guess that's why folks call me The Brown Paper Cowboy."
A few weeks later, another cowboy comes in the bar, the barman says, "We had The Brown Paper Cowboy in here a few weeks back - ever hear of him?" "Yep," says the second cowboy, "I hear he was hanged down in Texas the other week." "What for?" said the barman.
Disclamier: None of these jokes are ment to offend. If i did offend someone, i'm sorry, but i figure if you can laugh at yourself, then you're pretty right with the world. Or in my case, can fake it pretty good!...*LOL*....
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