well...i found a GREAT page of groaner jokes, most of which i have never heard!....and so...the first thoughts that popped into my head were "this would make a great issue!"....so....here's my special Groaner Issue #1...so numbered because i have the feeling there will be more...*most evil grin*...
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The barman said, "Hey pardner, your hat's made of brown wrapping paper." "Yep," said the cowboy, "and so's my shirt, my vest, my chaps, my pants, and even my boots and spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on my horse is made of brown paper. Guess that's why folks call me The Brown Paper Cowboy."
A few weeks later, another cowboy comes in the bar, the barman says, "We had The Brown Paper Cowboy in here a few weeks back - ever hear of him?" "Yep," says the second cowboy, "I hear he was hanged down in Texas the other week." "What for?" said the barman.
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. All of a sudden, his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother; a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was. His brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But, the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed. Since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they save his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around."
"Shaughnessy! Good to see you, Sergeant! What'll it be?"
"Whiskey, straight up."
"Come again? Cop on the beat, and you want whiskey?"
"You heard me."
"Musta been some kind of day, huh, Sergeant?"
"I never let it get to me. But today ... We got a call on a 1402, breaking and entering. We caught the guy, still inside."
"That doesn't sound so unusual."
"He was all painted up - one of those mimes."
"So, how do you tell a mime, 'You have the right to remain silent ...?"
Once upon a time there lived a little green man. He was in his little green shower one day when his little green doorbell rang. He got out of his little green shower, wrapped his little green towel round him and went downstairs and opened his little green door.
Standing there was a little pink lady. The little green man got such a shock that he dropped his little green towel. The little pink lady screamed a little pink scream, ran across the road and got hit by a bus!
The Moral of the story:
Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close to them.
"Oh! That doesn't sound good," one says to the other.
As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and said, "Yeah, our regular drummer is out sick."
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
Pete was working on a problem where printing grey colors was causing symmetrical curvelinear patterns over his entire layout.
Jim looked over his shoulder and said, "When the lines are all curves and it gets on your nerves, That's a Moire!"
It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.
Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went overtime, and Opie was late getting to the marina.
Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.
Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in creating large animals for meat production. His death occurred during the development of a hog weighing over one ton. To take care of this huge animal, Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to carry out the mundane daily tasks.
The hog had terrible bad breath. It was necessary, after feeding the beast, to force over 100 Chlorets down his throat before anyone could go into the lab.
On the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas had spilled the breath freshener tablets onto the ground. He became enraged and began beating the poor ape, and his brothers rioted. The police report detailed the event:
Two archaeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk", says one. "Lets try," says the other. He turned to the statue asked it its name. No answer.
"How old are you?" No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?" Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rise onto its feet and puts its hand on its chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."
"Of course", says the scientist, "It only stands to reason."
Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" enquired Mary. "Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like hmmm cauliflower cheese please", said Mary. "Certainly madam", he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached", Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam..sleep well?" "Yes thank you", Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though, they really weren't that nice at all", Mary replied truthfully.
"Oh..well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion", said the receptionist. "Okay, I will, thanks!" replied Mary.
She then checked out, paused a while, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. On the page was written:
The experimental salt-water algae farm was having difficulty because of the depletion of the plants by hundreds of sea gulls. An ornithologist was hired to solve the problem. His solution was to grow cannabis sativa plants along the rim of the algae tanks. The terns would nibble at the cannabis and leave the algae alone.
Cost was the only factor. He was sent to the Chief Financial Officer to get approval. "Certainly, spend all that is necessary" he was told, "Leave no tern unstoned." ...
... And then there was the naval commander that ordered that all band practices take place aft. He wanted to be certain that he left no stern untoned.
A ship was sailing on the ocean with a cargo of purple paint. It collided with another ship that had a cargo of red paint. The crew was believed to be marooned.
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his mini-van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
A ship was sinking and four sailors from the ship were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely.
As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry, but all their matches had become wet, so they had no way to light their cigarettes.
Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well, since they were able to smoke because the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.
A young couple, Wilbur and Kay, were exploring the exhibits at the new Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles one Sunday afternoon, when they came upon the museum's famous collection of Eighteenth-Century French Impressionist Art.
Suddenly Wilbur, unfamiliar as he was with the fine points of the period, came across a well-known painting which he mistakenly thought was an example of pointillism.
He immediately called his wife over and naively exclaimed, "Kay, Seurat! Seurat!"
She took one bored look at the painting and replied, "Whatever, Wilby, Wilby."