JokeList Issue #11, Part 2


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The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think that we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen.

St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping that you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the devil agreed. BUT......Two days later....

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get this three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

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1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded."

4th intercedes: "I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and butt are interchangeable."

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"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.

And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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One of the funniest, most embarrassing moment stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount drug store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:

"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPERSIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax " for "THUMBTACKS." In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom:
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND
YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

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