ok....i know i'm missing some jokes....but i started doing this and then saved the draft of it when i had to goto work....and rocketmail lost it!!....*frowns*....so...here's what i could save!
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
A Jehova's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door. He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In". He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?"
The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this:
When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for both acceptance and understanding becomes glaringly apparent.
~ok...not really funny....but very interesting~
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
Alcohol Warnings The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
1) WARNING: consumption of alcohol... may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2) WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole, or by your self.
3) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD.
4) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish. If you knew that shay shings like thish means say things like this, you're probably intoxicated now!
5) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
6) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your panties or underpants.
7) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). It gets worse...what about that inexplicable taste in your mouth that smells even worse.
8) WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead which will complement the other previous bumps, scrapes and contusions.
9) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are a bad ass who is tougher, and able to kick the butt of some really, really big guy named BUBBA.
10) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
11) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
12) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
13) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
14) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you can beat that approaching train.
15) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead to the release of bodily fluids prior to unzipping of trousers.
16) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead to the worshiping of a porcelain god.
Philosophy of Love...
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, watches your TV, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now." The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got his yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep" he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didnt' speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it Honey, how about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls,forget about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests (for you rich folk, this is huge by middle class standards).
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it. Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.)
After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said F*** You, he turned to the bride and said F*** You, and then said I'm out of here. He got the marriage annulled the next day. While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.
This is his world, we just live in it.
~yeah i know this next one's a bit long....but it really is worth it~
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV.
~just b/c all you guys have always wanted to know~
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Points to Ponder
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I noticed how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Found in restrooms around the US:
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
Express Lane: Five beers or less
You're too good for him.
No wonder you always go home alone.
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.