A blond left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic jokingly told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. So, she took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blond came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The other blond responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"
Things My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU...then you'll see what it's like."
~wish i had the guts to do this!...*L*~
McDonald's Fast Food Job Application:
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1,2,3,4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"
Subject: POLISH AIR DISASTER
Date: Wednesday, February 24, 1999 9:10 AM
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
This wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and said, "Bud."
A man was driving down a deserted highway, and noticed a sign that read:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. Beside the parking lot is a somber stone building with a sign in the door that reads;
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.
The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun tells him "Please place $50.00 in the cup, and then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.
This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man....But it's startin' to twitch."
Zodiac Braking signs:
•Aries: I don't brake for anyone, so get out of my way!
•Taurus: I'd rather be braking.
•Gemini: I brake to change the radio station while talking on my cell phone.
•Cancer: I brake for yard sales and open houses.
•Leo: Hey! Give me a brake!
•Virgo: I brake to check and see if my brakes are working.
•Libra: I brake for others, if that's all right with you.
•Scorpio: I'll brake when I'm damn good and ready, so leave me the hell alone!
•Sagittarius: On the road of life, one brakes for many things but stops for none.....
•Capricorn: Born Braking.
•Aquarius: I brake rules.
•Pisces: I brake for worms and caterpillars.
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled. "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Rules for women
1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the
house was spotless.
2. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man-unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You lock the door behind him.
5. So many men-so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
9. You might as well go for younger men. They never mature, anyway.
10. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
11. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself type.
12. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they're too old for it.
13. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
14. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
15. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, all right, I'll stay the night."
16. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.
17. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be. You look kind of familiar."
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than..............Punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .........................Bug is close.
It's always darkest before......Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of........Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that.............. looks dirty.
No news is................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a..............Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new......math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the........pigs.
An idle mind is..................The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.......pollution.
Happy the bride who...............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is....................... not much.
Two's company, three's..............the Musketeer.
Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as.................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way.