There was this fellow who had a pet goose. He loved his goose and took it everywhere with him. One day he went to the movies and the ticket seller told him that his goose was not allowed in the theater. He ran around the corner and stuffed the goose in his pants. Then he bought his ticket and went into the theater. He selected a seat next to two elderly ladies. During the movie he could hear his goose panting due to lack of air. He unzipped his pants to let the goose breathe. Soon the lady next to him elbowed her friend and whispered, "Esther, Esther you won't believe whats going on next to me." Esther glances over and says, "Well, you've seen one you've seen them all."
"Well, maybe, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back into that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back into that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and returns with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. He then puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the boy five dollars, grabs the can of hairspray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, he comes back and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandmother!"
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" ask the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the my wife, This one looks like yours, honey!"
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife a Valentine's Day present of the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.
"Wow, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the stupid thing."
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowedone seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning having sex until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
"That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Joe went to the restaurant where the Lion's Club meets every week, sat down and prepared to have a nice lunch and listen to today's speaker. All of a sudden, the host of the lunch came up to him and said "Joe, you have to make a speech today."
Joe says, "Are you nuts? Where is the scheduled speaker?" The host replies, "He backed out at the last minute and now I have no speaker. You have to do it."
Joe answers, "You're crazy. What would I speak about?" The host says, "Anything, anything at all."
Joe squares his shoulders and straightens his tie and says, "All right, I'll talk about sex."
After the meeting, everyone complimented Joe on his speech. They thought it was very good. Joe goes home that evening and says to his wife, "Honey, guess what? I made a speech at the Lion's Club meeting and everyone thought it was great." "What was the speech about, dear?" his wife asks. Joe, looking down at his feet, replies "uh, it was about ... s s s sailing!"
The next day, Joe's wife was downtown shopping and happened to run into the local bank manager. He comes up to her and states "You ought to be very proud of your husband. He made a fantastic speech at the luncheon yesterday!" She replied, "You know, he told me that, but I don't understand it! He's only done it twice -- the first time he got sick and the second time his hat blew off!"
A young Jewish couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed- they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...He said words like words like: DUST, WASH, IRON, and COOK!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing.
After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
The Five Commercials Aired During The Lewinsky/Walters Interview
(and yes, these really did air during the interview)
5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.
4. Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I
True story from Humboldt County, California:
A woman got pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball."
He replied, "No, Ma'am, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. Without saying another word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.
"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."
Here's A Puzzle for You:
Schwartzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
a last name....... Were you thinking of something else ya pervs??
Two nuns, S