A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
~Editor's note: there's proballly a group of women after me now for divulging some of our secrets...relax....we got plenty more...and if it isn't enough...we can make up some...*G*~
Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realised that he desparately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it". Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. At the appointed time, he picks her up on this Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
~Editor's note: don't remember if i already did this, but if so, sorry!!~
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than..............Punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .........................Bug is close.
It's always darkest before...... Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of........Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that.............. looks dirty.
No news is................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.............. Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new......math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the........pigs.
An idle mind is..................The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.......pollution.
Happy the bride who...............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is....................... not much.
Two's company, three's..............the Musketeer.
Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as.................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way.
Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class." Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The TOP 10 Complaints of Modarn Day Vampires
10. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
9. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
8. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time.
7. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean,
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
OPTIONAL ACCESSORY II: "Normally accidents like this shouldn't happen," reasoned a Caputh, Germany, police spokesman. A motorist following driving instructions on the satellite navigation computer in his BMW drove down a ferry ramp into the Havel River, he said, without realizing the only way he could cross the river was to wait for the ferry. The 57-year-old driver was not injured. "This sort of thing can happen when people rely too much on technology," the police spokesman said. (Reuters) ...Leading to a required label, "Warning: User still must watch out window when driving."
What Guy's Names Mean: ~sorry i dont' have one for use women!~
Aaron's- are sexy and athletic
Adam's- are quiet and sweet
Andrew's- are gorgeous but play every girl
Andy's- are nice and sweet
Ben's- are funny and smart
Bob's- are quiet and unpopular
Brad's- think everyone likes them...they don't
Brandon's- are good looking but use girls
Brendan's- are sincere and gentle
Brett's- are cute and small
Brian's- are sweet and very cute
Bryan's- are sexy, but stupid
Cameron's- think they're funny...they're not
Chad's- are cute but too full of themselves
Chris's- are adorable and have lots of different friends
Clark's- are hilarious and always in trouble
Cory's- are funny but ugly(YAH)
Craig's- try to fit in
Dan's- are quiet but funny
Danny's- are sweeties
David's- are nice but quiet
Derek's- are rich boys
Dominic's- are hilarious and will do anything
Dougs- have greasy faces
Drew's- are bad ass losers [hahaha... :)]
Eddie's- want too many chicks they'll never get cuz they're assholes
Eric's-think they're funny and popular...they're not (awww...)
Erik's-are funny and treat girls how they want to be treated
Evan's- are a little slow but sweet and sexy
Frank's- are "different"
Fred's- are interesting...
Gary's- are drug addicts
Greg's- are popular and studly
Jakes- are whiteboys that need a race check
Jason's- are noodles
Jeff's- are sweet and big flirts
Jerehme's- are FAGS, FAGS, FAGS
Jeremy's- are cute but straight
Jermaine's- are ugly and make girls puke
Jesse's- are popular and fine
James- are sweet, kind, and always laughing
Jimmy's- are sweet but users
Joe's- are sexy sweet and nice
John's- are built and sexy
Jose's- are hot chulos
Josh's- are horny men
Justin- are athletic and cute
Kevin's- can never get a girlfriend
Kirk's- can kick anyone's ass
Kyle's- are little cuties
Lorenzo's- are fine and dress good
Luke's- seem to be sweet
Mark's- are rich and get treated like dirt
Matt's- the perfect guys-sweet and good-looking
Mike's- are very good looking but they'll do anything with anyone
Nathan's- are stupid as hell
Nick's- are funny pimps with big dicks
Pat's- are funny and talkative
Phil's- are selfish and confusing
Ryan's- short but sexy
Rob's- are fun but not sincere
Sam's- are sex machines
Scott's- have serious disabilities
Sean's- have a lot to say and make good friends
Steve's- are popular and funny
Tim's- are fat and horny
Travis's- are hot but a bit weird
Trevor's- are sweet and funny
Tyler's- are gay
Will's- wish they were bout it bout it
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it" Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Walmart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
i don't normally do this...but this is hilarious!!