yes!....this means i'm back!....*big grin*.....so to start things off right, here's a few jokes i got over the summer....from the rebels that completly ignored my request for not sending things this summer!!....*evil eye*...*L*....so enjoy!
~Dubird~, RS, DGOH, QoJ, and QoW
Tips from a drunk Martha Stewart:
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid?! My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Things rednecks will never say:
Duct tape won't fix that.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
Actually, unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
And the #1 thing a redneck will NEVER say:
~This is shortened for saving space....but well worth it!~
Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter of that animal. Say it out loud as you scroll down.
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
Take the hand you counted with, smack yourself in the head, and get back to work!
After Nebraska football coach Tom Osborne dies and enters the Pearly Gates,God takes him on a tour. He shows Tom a little 2 bedroom house with a faded Nebraska banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. Tom looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. Arkansas Razorback flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge red and white Razorback banner hanging between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded banner and Houston Nutt gets a mansion with new Uof A banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment.
"That's not Nutt's house," God says. That's mine."
A dumb blonde had to be rescued by the fire department after she became stranded in the shower. She had been in there for hours following the instructions on the shampoo bottle, "Lather, rinse and repeat".
INVENTIONS THAT DIDN'T SUCCEED:
The waterproof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Mechanical pencil sharpeners
Waterproof tea bags
The helicopter ejector seat
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed an anal suppository.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours.
Now stop complaining and get back to work!
Age barometer: How many do you remember?
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!