"Best T-shirts of the Summer":
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
24) IRS-Be Audit You Can Be
25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
31) In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.
"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."
"But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."
One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." And reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair- try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth- try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
Mark decided to propose to Suzie but prior to her acceptance Suzie felt she had to confess to him about her childhood illness. She informed Mark that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity level of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up. Mark looked Suzie in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant. I hope you will be able to deal with that once we are married." She said "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis." Suzie and Mark got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Mark whisked Suzie off to their hotel suite and they started holding one another, touching, etc....etc...... When Suzie put her hands in Mark's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room. Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Mark said "Yes, it is... 7 lbs., 8 oz.
~don't know if i've done this one or not, but better safe than sorry!~
A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the lady returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The lady replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says:"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Motherwas anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
A blond called the fire department. She screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick! My house is on fire." The fire chief replied, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"
The blond said, "Duh, Red Truck!"
There were three young student priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the CELIBACY test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest . . .
The Bishop said "Patrick, Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower." The belly dancer danced and stripped as far as her last thin veil for the second student priest when the Bishop heard . .
"Joseph, I'm very disappointed. So disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go on to the showers," the Bishop said. The belly dancer began dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of . .
BUT NO BELL RANG!
"John, I'm absolutely delighted. You've passed! You have and can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph" . . .
Corporate Buzzwords for 2000
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
A few new answers to Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
I did not cross the road with that chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
and the classic Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. ...The redneck gets emotionally involved.
How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? ...It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? ...A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky? ..."Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."