JokeList Issue #19

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Top 10 things a football coach should not say at half time:

5. If you don't mind, I'm going to leave now to beat the traffic.
4. Who's winning?
3. Enough strategy. Let me tell you about my Amway products.
2. They may have the talent, size and athleticism, but we've got the headbands!
1. It's not over until ... who am I kidding? It's over!

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REASONS FOR BEING FIRED FROM TOYS 'R' US

- Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."

- You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.

- Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.

- You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.

- Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.

- The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.

- Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

- Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."

- Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.

- Regardless of the question, you answer, "Go away kid -- I R on break."

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Here is an explanation of the new school homework policy:

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

15 minutes looking for assignment
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
8 minutes in the bathroom
10 minutes getting a snack
7 minutes checking the TV Guide
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment

LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS

These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term." It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30 PM and ends at 11:50 PM -- or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to Wal*Mart/K-Mart for poster board, and that at least one family member ends up in tears (it does not have to be the student).

One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick. It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.

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Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lie here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O.K." said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up.

When the cat went home, the neighbor cat asked him why he had eaten the robins while they were helpless.

The cat replied "I can't help it. I just love baskin' robins!"

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A guy is driving through the countryside and suddenly develops car trouble.

The highway is rather deserted, and having no other choice, he pulls his car over. Fortunately, he spies a farmhouse a little ways up and walks there in hope of using a phone to call for help.

At the house, a farmer answers the door, and hearing the man's plight, welcomes him in to use the phone.

While the man is on the phone calling a towing service, he notices something odd in the farmer's backyard: a pig with a wooden leg. Waiting for the tow truck, the two strike up a conversation.

The man can't help his curiosity and asks the farmer, "Was that a pig with a wooden leg I saw in your yard?"

"Sure was," the farmer replies. The man says, "I have to know, why does the pig have a wooden leg?"

"Well, that's a very special pig," the farmer says. "One day, I tripped and sprained my ankle near the highway. That pig pulled me from harm's way and went to the house, got my wife, and let her know I was in trouble."

"Wow," the man said. "I don't know of many dogs that could do that. That is a special pig. But, please tell me, why does the pig have a wooden leg?!"

"Well, as I was saying," the farmer replied, "that's a very special pig. One day me and the Mrs. were asleep in bed when the house caught on fire. That pig ran upstairs, jumped on the bed, woke the both of us up, and sure as I'm talking to you today, saved our lives."

"I understand that pig is very special," the man says, getting a little frustrated, "But, please tell me. Why does the pig have a wooden leg!?"

"Well," the farmer replies, "a pig as special as that, you wouldn't want to eat him all at once now, would you?"

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SIXTEEN STEPS TO BUILD A CAMPFIRE

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).
6. Light Match.
7. Light Match.
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

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TOP TEN AMISH SPRING BREAK ACTIVITIES

10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
09. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
08. Churn butter naked.
07. Blow past Dairy Queen on a really outrageous Clydesdale.
06. Get a tattoo: "Born To Raise Barns"
05. Cruise the streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
04. Sleep in 'til 6:00 a.m.
03. Drive over to Allentown and kick some Mennonite butt.
02. Two words: Buttermilk kegger

And the number one Amish Spring Break Activity

01. Wet bonnet contest.

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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" The shocked mother exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

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You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51". Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

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Some thoughts on beer:

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truely gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--Anonymous

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

I drink to make other people interesting.
-George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

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And now for a few Christmas jokes!

Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....(better start again!)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

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~And now for an old Christmas favorite!~

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere! Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus said her mother was coming to visit and Santa felt more stress.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were running out all over the country. The stress is building.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, since he was frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor. Santa went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. What else could go wrong?

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed as he headed toward the door. He flung it open and there stood an angel with a Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a gorgeous tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.