Little Johnny (age 5) is sitting on his front porch steps playing a game. With one arm he's holding a cat, the other hand is full of M&M's. To play this game, Johnny starts at the top of the steps. He eats a couple M&M's, bites the cat, then moves down a step. He eats some more M&M's, bites the cat & moves down a step. When Johnny gets to the bottom of the steps he goes back to the top and starts over. Inside the house, Johnny's mother is watching him. She sticks her head out the window and asks Johnny what he's doing. Johnny replies, "Mommy, I'm playing Truck Driver." Confused by the answer she has Johnny explain how he figures he's playing Truck Driver. Johnny replies, "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and movin' on!!"
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"
A Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.
It has a really old geezer chained to the wall getting a blow job
from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the
room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his dick in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, ''Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you?!?'' The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, ''Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire.''
~another story from the idiot files...~
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.
The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.
The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, ''Push up bottom to use.''
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I
wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
~True story ya'll!! I swear!!~
It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut, however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs.
Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05, Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.
It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex, oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Top Ten Ways to get Fired:
10: Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.
9: Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, "No thanks, it doesn't mix well with thorazine."
8: Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and whisper, 'I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff; who needs white-out?'
7: Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up with to.cut down on the time employees spend away from their desks.
6: Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by taking off one minute out of every 25.Spend all your time 'planning' your vacations.
5: Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger's Crystals.
4: Keep a tally of what your boss wears on 'casual' Friday. When you see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly pool.
3: Dress like a pirate for the office halloween party. Dress like a pirate every other day of the year as well.
2: Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points of Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.
1: Set everyone's desk and PC clock ahead one hour and go home early.
An 85 year old man marries a lovley 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites.
She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."
The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital's waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir. You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence," the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow! That's really an incredible coincidence, " he said. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, while the first two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time she turn to the 3rd man -- who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
Upon hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who
had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his
side, and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering
repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So...I switched the heads"