JokeList Issue #23


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A young man graduated from the Marshall University with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper which hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from West Virgina, he decided to do his research in rural West Virginia. He went deep into the hills and introduced himself to a farmer and proceeded to try to find out about life in those parts.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yep, one time my neighbor's sister, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home".

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you SAD?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if shamed and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "One time, I got lost".

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The following is from an actual 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life. Be sure to keep reading; you'll surely enjoy the comparison to the Y2K version. v 1. HAVE DINNER READY

Plan ahead--even the night before--to have a delicious, attractively-presented meal on time. This is a way of letting him know you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome he needs.

2. PREPARE YOURSELF:

Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be happy and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift!

3. CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER:

Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before he arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order; and it will give you a lift, too.

4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN:

Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE:

At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and a kiss to let him know you're glad to see him.

6. SOME DON'TS:

Don't greet him with your problems or complaints. Don't complain even if he's late for dinner. Count your concerns as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE:

Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow, and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasing voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. LISTEN TO HIM:

You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS:

Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of stress and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. THE GOAL:

Do everything you can to try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax!

WELCOME TO Y2K, BOYS . . . . . . . . . . . . . Keep reading!

1. HAVE DINNER READY:

Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been lousy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. PREPARE YOURSELF:

Make sure to change out of your work clothes into something comfortable. Who cares if he likes it or not . . . after all, it's most likely his T-shirt and boxers.

3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER:

Yeah right! Tell the kids and your husband if they want maid service, they better call one!

4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN:

Send the children to their rooms to watch television or to play Nintendo.

5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE:

Yell to him over the loud music your kids are playing, that this is what you had to put up with while he was gone. Mention that it was his decision to buy the kids a new CD player in the first place.

6. SOME DON'TS:

Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout diner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and that you have left the dishes for him to do.

7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE:

Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. LISTEN TO HIM:

But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS:

Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment. Go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"

10. THE GOAL:

Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong; it revolves around you!

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Observations from Across the Nation

"Friends don't let friends take home ugly men"
---Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

"The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open."
---Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

"Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."
---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

"Beauty is only a light switch away."
--->Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

"I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards."
---Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

"If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives." ---Armand's Pizza. Washington, DC

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
---Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

"God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?"
---The Irish Times. Washington, DC

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
---The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

"No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit."
---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

"At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry."
---Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

"It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere."
---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

"If voting could really change things, it would be illegal."
---Revolution Books. New York, New York.

"A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it."
---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

"Express Lane: Five beers or less."
---Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.

"If you love your boyfriend, have some class. Dont write his name where you wipe your ass."

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A Rookie loses his lunch at a homicide
A Veteran eats his lunch at a homicide

A Rookie uses McDonald's drive through so he doesn't miss a call
A Veteran spends 45 min at Dunkin Donuts to have a cup of coffee

A Rookie: you can't read his name badge because it is polished so brightly A Veteran doesn't wear one for liability reasons

A Rookie puts to much into reports
A Veteran doesn't put enough into reports

A Rookie loves foot pursuits
A Veteran makes rookies do foot pursuits

A Rookie is given 40hrs training on communications at the academy
A Veteran was given 40 rounds of ammunition when he left the academy

A Rookie wants everyone to know he is a cop
A Veteran doesn't want anyone to know he is a cop

A Rookie loves to find stolen vehicles
A Veteran doesn't care about stolen vehicles unless someone is in them

A Rookie can spot an expired tag at 50 yards
A Veteran can't spot anything at 50 yards

A Rookie spends 2hrs on follow up
A Veteran leaves follow up for the detectives

A Rookie thinks every death is a homicide
A Veteran thinks every death is a suicide

A Rookie calls brass by their title
A Veteran calls brass by their first name

A Rookie carries a laptop computer
A Veteran writes on his hand

A Rookie looks for dark spots hoping to catch a drug deal A Veteran looks for dark spots hoping to catch a nap

A Rookie thinks siren make people yield to the police
A Veteran thinks sirens make people do the stupidest things with their cars

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Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

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When Bill Clinton completed 5 years of his Presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so instructed Hillary, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released and Clinton was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.

He called Hillary and ordered her to investigate the matter. Hillary checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Clinton.

She said: "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."

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On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big.. very big... and intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.

But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear imobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind - but God, they had to know what she was thinking!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.

A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:

"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed,
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

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(This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the Worker's Compensation Board.)

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 pounds. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 pounds of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in section three of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in paragraph two of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now, devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

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Men are like ... Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw, they lose interest

Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.