Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in the history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" Screams the cop.
"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
Things That Law Enforcement Officials Say:
The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"Remember, when you gotta cuff 'em. Nobody is your friend."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?"
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'll give you a warning. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds, solely because dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in their behalf."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Law enforcement is not a spectator sport."
"I know, I know, your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center."
"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.
Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds -- I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
How do I love thee?
The ways are as numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well,
Maybe catching rats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.
The cat is not all
Bad --she fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.
Dig under the fence--why?
Because it is there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
The plane's cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who was obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one woman hadn't moved her tray into the storage position. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over the noise of those big brute engines. I asked eveyone to raise your trazy-poos so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am a Princess. I take orders from no one."
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm a Queen, and I outrank you. So, put the tray up, Bitch."
A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
~I'm sure by now, you've all seen the Best Things in Life email....well, here's a cool version a friend of mine's brother did....it's hilarious!!~
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE – NOT!
Falling in love.
Finding out she's a psycho
A hot shower.
Ow, damn that's too hot. The cold water is broken.
No lines at the Super Walmart.
What's a Super Wal-Mart? Remember, I live in the sticks.
Yeah, so much you cant even read it all in one day. Then you have even more the next day. Now, you're so far behind, you have to choose between reading your mail and getting absolutely nothing else done, or just ignoring everyone.
Taking a drive on a pretty road.
Oh, those damned potholes. Oh, those damned tourists!
Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
It comes on just as you're entering the tunnel. By the time you come out the other end, it's over.
Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
Your roof is leaking.
Hot towels out of the dryer.
Hot WET towels. Time for a new dryer.
Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
In the wrong color and size.
Spilled on your new white pants.
A long distance phone call.
From that psycho ex-girlfriend mentioned in line one.
A bubble bath.
It's hard to take a bath when you only have a shower.
A good conversation.
With someone who won't let you get a word in edgewise.
Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
Only to find it's one of those joke bills. When you open it, it says “Disappointed? Find Jesus”.
Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
Of course, this only happens when you have to wake up early for work the next day.
Running through sprinklers.
The office is on fire. The sprinklers are in the ceiling. Do I need to explain why you're running?
Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
Then, it turns out, she says that to all the guys. See line one.
God, I hate that TV show.
Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
Of course, you missed the end of the conversation. “He's such a good worker. Great with the customers. Too bad we're going to have to let him go.”
Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
Then not being able to fall asleep again.
Your first kiss.
Ok, now I agree with this one. My first KISS concert was fantastic!!!
Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
Waking up the next day with a hangover, and not remembering who you were with the night before.
Playing with a new puppy.
Oops. Don't worry, we can bury him in the flower garden.
Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.
Hey, turn the damned music down! I'm trying to sleep!!!
Having someone play with your hair.
Again? Oh wait, that's a milkshake in your lap. Oh damn, now I have chocolate on my shirt too.
Road trips with friends.
Flat tires. Wipers that squeak. Nothing good on the radio. No, damn it, I don't want to sing “100 Bottles of Beer”.
Swinging on swings.
Well, what else would you do on them...oh wait, don't answer that.
Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love.
Of course, you have one of those old VCR’s that don't like to adjust the tracking very well.
Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer...
Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
On the other hand, of course, if it's a stupid song to begin with...
Going to a really good concert.
Ah yes, your first kiss...wait, we already covered that one.
Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person. Yeah, cause you can't stand her…see number one – yeah, again!
Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
Then finding out she’s a he! *gag*
Winning a really competitive game.
Life? (no, not the game)
Making chocolate chip cookies!
Hell, you ought to have enough chocolate stuck to your pants and shirt by now.
Having your friends send you homemade cookies!
Finding out rat poison looks a whole lot like flour.
Spending time with close friends!
Friends who wear out their welcome. It’s 2:05am on Tuesday night, and you have to work early the next morning. They’re too drunk to drive. But, you can’t let them stay over, cause you’ll never get them up by the time you have to leave for work. So, you decide to give them a ride home, and all they want is to stop by the liquor store and get more beer. But the stores closed five minutes ago. Now they’re belligerent and are really starting to piss you off.
Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends... As the drunkest one in the line above falls into a mud puddle. Now, she looks worse than you with all that chocolate all over yourself.
Holding hands with someone you care about.
Actually, I was pulling her out of the mud puddle.
Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
Like that huge zit on his nose.
Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time. I'm not even going to mention number one again.
Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
Gettting kicked out of King’s Dominion.
Hugging the person you love.
Mom? Ok, I can deal with that.
Watching the expression someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.
Watching the sunrise.
Because your roommate wouldn’t turn down his music. Your drunk friends needed a ride home. The cops needed you to give a statement because of the medical waste you found on the beach. By the time you got home, the sun was rising. Now it's time to go to work, and you haven’t got a wink of sleep all night.
Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.
And wishing you could sleep through all 24 hours of it.