~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The World's Shortest Books (version 2.0)
20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
The Top 15 Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles
15> "Pretty Woman" - "I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money"
14> "Face/Off" - "Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!"
13> "Leaving Las Vegas" - "I'm Drunk And You're a Prostitute"
12> "Interview With The Vampire" - "So, You Are a Lawyer?"
11> "The Piano" - "Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!"
10> "My Best Friend's Wedding" - "Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!"
9> "George of the Jungle" - "Big Dumb Monkey-Man"
8> "Scent of a Woman" - "Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!"
7> "Love, Valour, Compassion!" - "I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It's Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie"
6> "Babe" - "The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems"
5> "Twister" - "Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!"
4> "Field of Dreams" - "Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield"
3> "Barb Wire" - "Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You"
2> "Batman & Robin" - "Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy"
and the Number 1 Chinese Translation of an English Movie Title...
1> "The Crying Game" - "Oh No! My Girlfriend is my boyfriend!"
OATH TO MY FRIEND
When you are sad,
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are scared,
I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,
I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.
When you are confused,
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
And when you are lost,
I will answer my cell phone and give you directions.
When you are sick,
I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.
When you fall,
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend. And the whole reason people have friends is to have fun and its not too much fun being a shining beacon.
and now for the totally bored out there.....*or those of you who work at Wal-Mart*....a few handy sayings....
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few Cokes short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
Animals Think the Darndest Things
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? Hell, no!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Dog: "What a headache ... What the ... HEY! Where are my balls?!?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
Dog: "Human legs just tease."
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit.
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ."The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week!
TOP TEN WAYS TERMINATOR 3 WILL BE DIFFERENT WITH THE OLDER ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
10. First cyborg in sci-fi history to chase villains with a walker.
9. Can't shut up about the good ol' days with original director, James Cameron.
8. Loses the respect of film crew when tucking his pectoral muscles into his pants like a T-shirt.
7. He keeps sneaking away to his movie trailer to see what's happening on OPRAH.
6. Keeps calling "cut!" to change into new a diaper.
5. Appears on JAY LENO to promote T-3 but winds up talking about his whacky prostate exam.
4. After reading the script he replies with the note: "Cute, but can't this be more of a musical?"
3. Gets in trouble with producers for leaving his teeth on the sound equipment.
2. His stunt double: Bob Hope.
1. Has a hard time remembering why he'll be back. "Oh yeah, to get those bad guys!"
and now.....on to the jokes!.....*G*...
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline, bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.
The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
"Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer let him go without even a warning.
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest at the side of the road. He stopped to give him a ride. Further down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer along the side of the road, and turned the truck on a direct course to hit him. Then he thought, "Wait, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down that lawyer." So at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss him. Although he thought he hadn't hit the lawyer, the truck driver still heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his mirror and saw the lawyer laying unconscious on the side of the road. Ashamed for what he had done, the truck driver turned to the priest and said "I'm so sorry Father, I really tried to miss that lawyer." The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said: "Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest. Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father." The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children." The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
a few quickies....
How do you stop a Time Bomb?
Where does crazy glue come from?
A horse with a chemical imbalance.
What do you call a cow under 100lbs?
How can you tell Arnold Schwarzenegger is getting old?
New phrase: "Ow, my back."
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out tide.
"Can you describe your assailant?" the officer asked, as he helped the man up from the bar room floor.
"That's exactly what I was doing when he hit me," the man replied.
Next time you think you're having a bad day read this......
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe, leaving her mentally retarded.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman.
4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the capper.......
5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.