JokeList Issue #3


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A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there. "But how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked. "Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back". Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!". "Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied.
Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which said:
"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT
TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"

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A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk.

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Politics

SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report at school. Can I ask you a question?"

DAD: "Sure son, what's the question?"

SON: "What is POLITICS?"

DAD: "Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE. We'll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?"

SON: "I'm not really sure Dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's room and found mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

--- The next morning ---

SON: "Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS.

DAD: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."

SON: "Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is fast asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of shit.

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~I love this joke!!~

A top movie producer was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers with several top stars. Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme were present. The producers really desired the box office 'Oomph' of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him." The producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. But, who do you want to be, Arnold?". Arnold says -

"I'll be Bach!"

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If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a great photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

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~Church Bulliten Bloopers~

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.

5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

8) Ushers will eat latecomers.

9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary...

30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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~Another Graoner!!~

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00 P. M. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6:00 P. M. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6:00 P. M. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6:00 P. M.," he said, "Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 P. M. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6:00 P. M. by the color change, and could consistently get to the 6:00 P. M. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips.

"It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the naval and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6:00 P.M., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... 'Alexander's Rag Timeband!'

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Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved-wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless!

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There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

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~I don't remember if I put this in a mass e~mail or not....so I figured I'd include it just in case!~....*G*...

Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. thebody, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician said "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yeh, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"

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A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him...

HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

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Four Catholic ladies were drinking tea when one woman put down her cup, and speaking to the group, said, "You know, my son is a priest, and whenever he walks into a room, all the women stand up and say 'Good morning, Father.'" The next woman put down her cup and said, "You know, my son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, all the women stand up and say, 'Good morning, Your Grace.'" The third woman put down her cup, and said, "Well, you know, my son is a cardinal, and whenever he walks into a room, all the women rise and say, "Good morning, Your Eminence.'" Then all three ladies looked smugly at the fourth woman, who, after a moment's thought, put down her cup of tea and said, "Well, my son owns three McDonald's franchises, and so he is a multi-millionaire. He has broad shoulders, thick wavy brown hair, dark eyes, he's straight and he's single with buns of steel, and whenever HE walks into a room, all the women stand up and say "Oh my God!"

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TOP TEN REASONS G-D CREATED EVE

10. G-d worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. G-d knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

8. G-d knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. G-d knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. G-d knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. G-d knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when G-d caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When G-d finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

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There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

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TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

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Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in...

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A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the Husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife.

Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor. The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!"

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A man was walking across the road when he met the accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When open his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying."

She squeezed his hands as he continued :"When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more advertisements for me to apply."

He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you werethere beside me."

Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company until now...And you were there beside me."

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband. "And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me.... "....There's something I'll really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, and sobbing with emotion.

He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.."

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God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?" She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?" God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"

And so God created man.....


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