~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LINES OF REASONING NOT TO USE IN COURT
(Supposedly these are things people actually said in court, word for
word.)
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Things Men Need To Know
1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.
3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts.
4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.
7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.
10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed.
11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.
12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "who's easy?"
13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!
14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming.
15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.
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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the 2nd nun..."a soap dispenser."
To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.
The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times.
Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells..."Look, hand cream!"
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Once upon a time there was woman, we'll call her Hiliary. Hilary died and found herself in a tunnel of light. As she approached, she realized that she was on the way to the pearly gates. When she got to the gates, she saw an elderly gentleman seated at the desk just outside the gates. Realizing that it was St. Peter, Hiliary walked up and requested admittance. St Peter looked up, smiled and said, 'why, yes, of course... all you have to do is pass a simple test'.. Hiliary considered this for a moment and agreed. St Peter then asked her to spell the work 'rose'.. which she did without any problem.. Suddenly St Peter looked at his watch and realized he was late for a meeting with the boss.. He looked to Hiliary and asked if she would mind watching the gate for a few moments.. and if anyone came.. give them the test she had been given.. if they passed, let them in.. if not, have them wait for a moment or two and someone would come along to escort them to there new home in the underworld.. Hilary gladly said yes, she loved human service, and quickly walked around to the other side of the desk and St Peter sped away. A few moments later, Hilary looked up and was startled to see her husband, who had also recently died, walking up the path. We'll call him Bill.. Bill looked and saw Hiliary and smiled, 'what are you doing here' he questioned. Hilary explained about St Peter's meeting with the boss and how he had delegated her to taking over for a little while. She then explained that Bill would have to take a test in order to gain admittance. Bill quickly agreed and Hiliary asked him to spell "chrysanthemum".
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~Yet another piece from the Idiot Files~
An Alberta, Canada man attempted to dislodge a toy stuck in his toilet by pouring five gallons of gasoline into the bowl. The fumes from the gas were ignited by a nearby furnace pilot light. The resulting explosion caused 60 thousand dollars in damage.
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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
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~These are supposed to be real....personaly i believe that claim!~
Warning Labels
On instructions for a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron. Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts: Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins: Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
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TEN THINGS THAT IRRITATE SANE PEOPLE
10) You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
9) The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
8) The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
7) There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
6) You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
5) It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it until you walk across your living room rug.
4) The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
3) There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
2) You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
1) Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
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The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's Jedi Master character say in the Star Wars Prequels.
10. You don't need to see my damn identification, 'cause these ain't the *#%&@*&' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy *#&%#@*.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every ^$%*!&$$@' stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the #$%* we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, mother!@#%.
5. That ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah Chewie got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do?
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother *&$#@er"
~Editor's note: can't you just imagine some of these? Personaly, i want to see Obi-Wan go against Spock on something like Jepordy...no wait...Obi-Wan, Spock, and Data on Win Ben Stein's Money!!...now there's a crossover!~
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Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
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A mother was teaching her 3-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night, she said she was ready to solo. Her mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
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~Editor's note: I swear ya'll!! This really does work!!~
STRESS MANAGEMENT VISUALIZATION
Picture yourself near a
stream.
Birds are chirping softly in
the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you
here.
No one knows this secret
place.
You are in total seclusion
from that place called "the
world."
The soothing sound of a
gentle waterfall fills the air
with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the
face of the person whose
head you're holding under
the water.
There now... Feeling better?
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ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals. ~'Nuff said!~
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
18. "Stop what'ca doing, and do what God says!"
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A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do."
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, here stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.
As expected,the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days....For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievable, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!"
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major
~Editor's note: i'm sure most of you have heard these by now...but what about these that i found today??...though they are funnyer if you're a musicion~
What do you say before you drop the piano on an army base?
Be flat major!
What do you say after you drop the piano on the army base?
See flat major
What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
C sharp or B flat
What do you get when the army officer puts his/her nose to the
grindstone?
A sharp major
What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only
subject you do well in is music?
A natural major
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hickory, Dickory, Dock,
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary had a little lamb,
She thought it was quite silly.
She threw it up into the air,
And caught it by its ...
Willy was a watch dog,
Lying on the grass.
Down came a bumble bee,
And bit him on the ...
Asssssk no questions,
Tell no lies,
I saw a policeman,
Doing up his ...
Flies are bad,
Mosquitos are worse,
And this is the end of my silly little verse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She said, "With my pension, that's all I can do."
It may be substandard, but just down the block,
I know an old lady who lives in a sock.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play.
Where seldom is heard,
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Spelling Checker
I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks for my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this pome rite threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in its weigh --
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing
It freeze ewe lodes of thyme.
It helps me right, awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours ore every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Be fore a veiling checkers,
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if were lacks or have a laps,
We wood be made to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of non eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sew ewe can sea why eye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea sees.
And why I brake in two averse
By righting want too pleas.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't
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